i found out a couple days ago that my biological father has been arrested.
again.
i dont know too many details, but from what i do know, it doesnt look good. as he awaits his sentencing in LA County jail, there's a deep sadness that sits with the news of his decisions. but the sadness is not for myself. it is for him. for what he is missing. his addictions and deceptions have led him to a cold and lonely cement room. and i wonder what he thinks. and i wonder if he's comfortable there. i hope he's not. i hope he desires change. but isnt it true that some people are comfortable there? i can relate to that. ive certainly known times when i would prefer to sit in the familiar pile of muck than have to courageously overcome the scary faces of change.
sometimes we arrive at rock bottom and set up camp. i did that once. i was stubborn and i was afraid. and i thought i knew best. i was prideful.
thank goodness God is gracious - it's His kindness that leads us to repentance. He doesnt wait for us to climb out. He meets us where we're at. He says, "Come on... you BELONG to me. I'll show you the way out." He's done this for me. If youre reading this and anywhere near rock bottom, I assure you, He will do it for you. and while I am confident He will do this for my birth father, i'm not as confident Dan will take it.
i shudder to think, what will it take?
all of this has forced much reflection of the role of father in my life.
generally, it seems, the great tragedy of a family unit breaking down is the lack of love that each member will miss out on, with a particular emphasis on the consequences felt by the children. as the last few days have unraveled, i have grown increasingly aware that such tragedy was not my fate. entirely the opposite has happened in my life. while i may have "missed out" on love from Dan, i never missed out on love. God has redeemed it threefold in my life.
my grandpa has been a steady, loving, wise & honest man who has loved me and treated me like a daughter since i was a baby.
my mom remarried when i was 5. her husband not only took on a new wife, but when he proposed, he said he could not imagine his life without my mom or me. he adopted me shortly after. i think i called him dad before my mom even called him her husband. then when my parents divorced a few years ago, and my relationship with him took a hit, i never imagined gaining another loving father figure. but God had other plans.
He moved me to Nashville, TN where my uncle has since taken the most wonderful investment in my life, as if I were his own.
all of these men have pointed me to my Heavenly Father. to His love for me.
As God continues to weave these incredible threads of redemption in my life, i am both astounded and humbled.
i feel remembered.
i feel loved.
i feel overwhelming grateful.
and i feel very unworthy. but that is the point. none of us are ever worthy or entitled to these good gifts. put simply: God is just a good father. and he loves to give us good gifts even though we could never earn them. i'm learning a lot about this idea of "good" father. and that's a bit ironic knowing the blood running through my veins comes from a man who always wanted to be one, but has never shown me what that was.
i am humbled by how well i have known love in my life. i pray i might always give it away as freely as i have received it. im convinced this love that has been shown to me is the earth shattering kind. the kind that penetrates all the way to the rock bottom level. the kind that dares us to change.
what i've learned from my own rock bottom, from the profound ways i have been loved, and from the preposterous hope I still hold for Dan, is this:
when Love comes down to find us at rock bottom (and He will), we must go. we must follow Love out.
redemption awaits.
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