some thoughts on titles

titles. they can separate or they can unite. they can offer simple understanding. they can also make life really confusing.

some title history.

1984: born to my mom and dad. my name was melody joy adeeb.

1986: mom and dad divorced. mom took maiden name. so did i. my name became melody joy custer.

1987: mom and I moved in with her mom and dad. my grandma and grandpa. i should mention my mom was adopted, so once again, these titles have all been assigned.

1988: i was 4. it's the last time i remember calling my dad "dad".

1990: mom remarried. i instantly called him dad. never my step-dad. always dad. his mom also became my grandma. she's always called me her granddaughter, and she has never treated me any differently than if i were to have her blood running through my veins.
-- at age 6, both sets of grandparents do not biologically include me.

1992: mom had another baby. my sister. not my half-sister. my sister.

1993: dad legally adopted me. my name changed again to melody joy wilson.

1994: my first brother came along, zachary. i started noticing people asking me which of us are my dad's kids. i'd say all three. they'd clarify again. though unintentional, each clarification felt as though it drove a wedge between me and them. one that never existed for me. but others look for titles to cling to... "half-brother." "step-dad." "ex-husband."

1995: mom met her biological mother. i didnt know what to call her. it felt unsettlingly disloyal to call someone other than my grandparents by their titles. so at 10 years old, i resolved to call her by her name, patricia.

2001: brother #2 comes along, jackson. now people are really confused at such a large age gap. "you all can't be from the same father, can you?" to really leave them confused or assuming the christian worst, i'd answer yes, smile and offer my parents anniversary year before walking away.

2005: parents divorce. immediately, i wonder if i have to change my last name too.

2009: (now try and keep up.) i lived in nashville, tennessee with my biological aunt from my biological father's side, and just 10 minutes away lived my biological grandmother from my mother's side. So two sets of my biological family, neither of whom ever knew each other before, were living just 10 minutes apart, which happened to be thousands of miles away from where any of us originally called home. i can't help but find the coincidence of us all arriving in the same location very ironic and equally amusing. sometimes i picture God looking down at me just shrugging his shoulders & grinning. i should add, it was a tremendous joy for me to get to know both these sides of my family better.

more from 2009: God was teaching me about Him being a "Father." He did much of this through my uncle who cared for me as if he were my father. My uncle showed me what a deep fatherly love and commitment to me looked like. He taught me in his actions, in his consistency, in his devotion to my very best. by this point, it actually seems fitting to have been learning the idea of Father through an uncle.

All these titles and name changes and reverses and restorations seem to add much confusion. Not just to the word choices, but to my heart as well. Especially when others need to categorize my relationships by adding a "step" or a "half"; or conversely, by using the word "dad" or "grandma" when those titles have felt like a betrayal to the ones in my life who have earned their names. (though worth saying, the feeling of betrayal no longer encompasses the way I feel about Patricia. that was just my emotion at 10-years-old.) As I was reading my previous post on friends who feel like family, i wonder if these odd pieces of family functional dysfunction from my own history prepare my heart to feel for my friends as if they were more than just friends. they certainly feel like family... in the best possible way.

Counting everyone by way of textbook titles I have:

8 grandparents

2 dads

1 mom

1 sister

2 brothers

8 uncles

10 aunts

& 14 cousins

= 46 people in round 1 of extended family.

I'm astounded at how many people in my life are counted as family. As I said in a different post, I do believe God's insane redemption in my life has often times shone itself in the "extra" love I have known through the countless people I've inherited as family. I don't believe love is measured by numbers of bodies, but thinking through all the different people in my life has helped me better understand it's many diverse forms.

Lately, I've been counting my blessings. Many of them have come in disguise over the years, but I'm discovering the artwork of God... how behind the scenes, for years of my life, He has been busy threading them together for good.

To whom much is given much is required. I have been given generous portions of love. Still unsure of what my future will entail, I pray I might always be surrounded by those searching for the love I have received. And I earnestly pray for the grace to learn how to be a daughter who can share her Father's love for free.