hell in the hallway

sometimes, christian cliches drive me nuts. i suppose there are the exceptions, but more often than not, i find them patronizing.... so empty, so 1950s housewife nice, without actually being helpful. (no offense if you aspire to be a 1950s housewife.) maybe you've heard the saying, "whenever God closes a door, he always opens a window." i remember once discussing this mutual annoyance with a young Irish man, and I will never forget his response. (said in his fantastic accent) "why would God close a door just to open a window? So you can jump out?" that made me laugh. I deeply identified with his frustration that such pat answers create.  

but better than the above example, i prefer the note of honest sarcasm that follows this similar expression "whenever God closes one door, he always opens a new one...... but it sure is hell in the hallway." 

i feel like i've been stuck in the hallway for about 2 years. 

i graduated college 3 years ago. for the first year following graduation, i deliberately avoided the "grown-up job" ideology. i was intentionally unintentional about diving into the next thing just for sake of "the next thing." so instead, i kept my fabulous address on 62nd st, i kept the same job working with a sweet family in newport, i kept hanging w/ the youth of rockharbor, i kept up my tan, and i happily kept up my defiance of beginning an 8-5 career. i felt like God allowed me to invest my time into the beautiful community of people He placed in my life. (side note: this was worth the investment 100-fold.)  i was content and grateful and i wanted it no other way. that lasted about a year. 

the next year sideswiped me off my happy little path and i found myself humbled, repeatedly, in my own demise. i fought to fight an uphill battle that God never designed me for, and it took a whole lot of defeat to finally recognize that. as much as i would love to erase that year, at the end of it, i had found myself more mesmerized by the grace and power of God in my life than i'd ever experienced first hand. things i had always believed in my head finally had a place to connect in my heart. for those lessons, i am overwhelmingly thankful. for what it took to get there, i could still kick myself for. 

this last year, i could probably sum up by saying, i've been seeking to pick up where i felt like i had left off.... before the sideswiping nonsense.... before the intentional year of no-intention... back to the girl i was in college... passionate, hopeful, determined... feelings i've longed for the way i imagine soldiers long for photographs they carry to come to life again.  (dramatic, yes, i know... love me anyways... :) )

slowly but surely, i find the Lord working in the midst of this long hallway and i'm beginning to feel excited about what's next.... 

i was clear 2 months ago, that God had called me to nashville for a season. I had a few ambiguous and hopeful ideas about why, but mostly, i just knew i was to follow.... 

some of the vague ideas included: 

::writing/songwriting:: i've always loved writing and songwriting... but never given myself much time to develop either hobby beyond my own personal practice. one goal is to take advantage of the incredible environment Nashville breeds to both of those avenues... for a particular, there's even a book underway that some friends and i are working on (it may take awhile, but im very excited about it!) 

::singing:: something else i've always loved, but over the last 5 or so years, i've been paralyzed with an awful stage fright... another goal is to break through that in this fine city. :)

::spiritual growth:: time away usually provides space for this in a way that is harder to come by when i'm caught up in the comfort and routine of home

::direction:: hoping this would come as a byproduct of investing myself in these pieces of my heart and in a closer walk with the Lord

and sure enough, upon my arrival here, God has shown me other purposes in why He's led me here.... primarily, it seems, allowing time to cultivate further healing and wholeness in my life before i embark on that next "open door."  uhh.. did i just admit that on here? that's so unlike me.. yet, even that, seems part of this process that i believe God is calling me to. To not act like i have it all together. to not be so damn self-sufficient. to create dependencies.. (healthy ones) on Him, and even on others who He calls me trust. i'm finding the guards i've put in my life are high and are many... and while i recognize boundaries are essential, i may have overdone it. :)

this has been a strange realization as i've always felt well loved and well known by most people in my life and been tremendously grateful for them. but as God has begun to call into question certain fears residing in the corners of my heart, i'm finding there's truth to those plans of wholeness He's been whispering to me. 

initially, i saw nashville as an "open door"... finally. i was stoked to run through it, (and depending on how you look at it, i suppose it could be) but as of right now, it's starting to feel more like a stepping stone that is drawing me towards the right door. 

i'm beginning to see rays of light seeping underneath doorways in this dark hallway... (i'll elaborate soon on more of those details)... but for now, i'm finding, THIS, this inbetween place, this "hallway", seems to be 

right. 

where. 

He. 

wants. 

me.  

and though hell has reared its ugly face more than once, God is faithfully thwarting that while teaching me to find joy here. some days it's really hard being so far away, but overshadowing those feelings of homesickness, is a peace that i'm in the right spot. that knocking down a door isn't the answer, nor is sitting hopelessly in the dark. 

as i was reminded by a dear friend, God is never early and never late.  

certainly, His lead is the only one i want to follow.

more to come.... 

love to you, 

mel