and i obeyed.
but instead of keeping my eyes on him, i've hung my hat on my obedience as though that should be enough. i'm finding obedience is often just the beginning. i'm also finding the only reason I havent drown by now is fully due to His divine grace. needless to say, i've been busy treading water.
there's an intimacy He's demanding of me that I haven't even paused to consider. like i said, i got out of the boat and have been waiting for my medal. but Jesus didn't call me out simply to test my obedience. He called me out so that i would have to keep my eyes on Him. He wants the posture that will require of my heart. He wants to show me His heart. and i've been avoiding it at all costs. i've managed to lose Jesus right in the middle of my Christianity.
I recently fasted... only to walk away with one thing - finding out just how religious I can get in order to keep from encountering Him... not exactly the thing i was expecting to find. talk about being humbled. me? ... the person who claims to loathe the pharisaical tendencies often meshed in with religion... but here i am... guilty as charged.
in the last year, He's delivered me out of the mouths of lions and He's brought unthinkable redemption to one of the most painful corners of my heart. and sure, at times, i've somewhat comprehended the profundity of both of those events, but more often than i care to recount, i feel like i'm living on fumes.
trying to keep it together.
trying desperately not to disappoint.
trying to downplay pain and fear.
trying to be a backbone for people who need me & even for those who don't.
trying to check everything off the list that I'm "supposed" to... so God can hurry up and move me on to the next thing. . .
wow. manipulating God is exhausting.
having a Lord over my life only gets harder as i get older. ironic, isn't it? you'd think having followed Him over the course of my life, that by now, trusting Him would be 2nd nature.
to quote a dear friend, i feel as though i've been "feasting on scraps." and i'm coming to realize,
i'm
starving.
to be known is scary. on some level, my mind accepts he already knows me -- and herein lies the exact place my heart hides behind. since arriving in nashville, this theme keeps lurking it's dreadful head around each turn. i'm finding there's a major disconnect from my head to my heart. while i could sit here and make a compelling argument for the beautiful way God loves us - if i'm honest, it's rare i allow my heart to experience it firsthand. thus, the disconnect.
i dont know how many days i have left on this earth, but i know i want them to count.
i'm determined to shatter this safety net of numbness i've created. i want to feel. i want my heart to be sensitive. i want to know my Father who created me in a deeper way than ever before - the One who gave His Son's life for mine - Who continues to pursue me.... even in the midst of my embarrassingly, habitual Christianity.
i want to know Him in a way that daily inspires and transforms. starting with the way i live my life and overflowing to all the people God puts in my path. for what else is there? to know Love & to give Love. even when it's hard --- especially when it's hard --- i can think of no greater purpose.
true love. in it's rawest, most sincere, most powerful form -- the unconditional, 1 corinthians 13 defined, agape breathing love. that's what i want to know. that's Who i want to seek. that's Who i desire to be found by. that's what i hope to pour out to others as i learn how to let this Love pour into me.
sure, it sounds like a philosophical fairy tale. but in the depths of my soul... i know beyond even the smallest shadow of a doubt, that THIS is what we were created for.
walking on water is scary. especially when treading water has at the least become familiar. but scarier still, would be taking my eyes off the One who called me out of the boat to begin with.
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